May 20, 2016
The sound of keys dropping on the table echoed throughout the apartment indicating that she was finally home.
She’s home. What do I say? (bleep!). I know she’s about to lose her entire mind and go bananas on me. All I can do is take whatever she gives. Gosh, I’m such a mess up. I feel sick man. I’m not ready for this. I know she’s tired from that long drive back to NC and now she has to deal with her baby… preparing to have a baby. God if you love me you would just rewind this ONE situation in my life. I promise, I will do whatever you call me to do from here on out. If you love me you would...
Meisha are you really challenging God? That’s a joke, right?
God didn’t put you in this situation Meisha. Being GROWN landed you here and honey you’re about to deal with some grown woman consequences.
To let her come to my room or to step outside of my comfort zone and meet her at the door was my internal debate. I knew the second option would result in me catching some emotional blows that I just wasn’t ready for. I waited for the sounds of nearing footsteps or the scream of my name. I knew she had read the five page long letter I wrote her disclosing my pregnancy and how sorry I was for hurting her. I had just got accepted into NC State weeks ago and we had shared the joy. In that moment I could’ve bet one million dollars that she was the happiest mom in the world and won. I was finally going to reach a goal that I always had in mind and go off to my FIRST choice college on a scholarship – was being the key word.
The coward in me decided to wait it out in my room. Five minutes elapsed and it was still scarily quiet. My older brother and sister weren’t in the house at the time and I knew it was just us there (I think back to this and I am amazed at the coincidence of them being away with friends). Finally something in me just became exhausted with the wait. Have you ever had a time in which you knew you were completely wrong but wanted to get the consequences dealt with and out the way? I went for it – kind of.
Meisha just go downstairs and act like you’re making yourself a cup of water. She will say something when she sees you. Prepare yourself.
NOT ONE WORD
NOT EVEN A WORD
The silence lasted longer than I expected. I could handle a day of her not communicating with me. However, when that day of silence turned into several days I became sick. She was (and still is) my heart, best friend, and motivation. I admit that I am a mommy’s girl and not talking to her had me in shambles. In the midst of the silence, I ended up letting my big sister in on the news. Of course, Na-Na (big sister) encouraged me to talk to mom in person. For days, my mom walked by me in the hallway of our apartment without a second glance. She greeted me after school with the most stoic, expressionless face. There was no “hey, how was your day at school.” There was nothing but airy silence that drove me to staying in my room.
My head hurt with so many racing thoughts. What if she had not read the letter? What if she was too upset to talk because Keke’s (younger sister) health and livelihood depended on her getting better at the Virginia facility? What if she was genuinely depressed?
A few more days of the routine silence passed until I had had enough. I missed my mom and I wanted to know what was going on. One day as she laid in her room watching television, I entered the room. As soon as she looked it me, I wanted to just disappear but I was there now.
“Mom, I have something to tell you”
Really Meisha? That’s the best sentence you can develop? You could have started with “I’m sorry”
“I never read your letter. I ripped it up and threw it in the trash. I have been living with you for 17 years. You are my child. Any mother that knows there child, knows when something is different. For you to think you can hide it… Really Meisha? I know you’re pregnant so you can save the explanation…..”
That’s your mom. She knows you better than anyone else. I wonder how long she has known. Gosh, I can hear the hurt in her voice and I never wanted to disappoint her.
I knew she was talking to me but somehow I zoned off into my own thoughts. I kicked myself for thinking that the lady that has always been there for me was naïve to the situation. She had remained quiet because she was still trying to digest the entirety of the situation as I was. I was soon snapped back into the reality of the moment with her question.
“ So, what are your plans now?”
My plans? You mean we are not going to do this together? You’re not going to be my rock anymore? Does this mean I have to move out? Does this mean I have to get a job and learn how to survive? Does this mean college is out the window? What do you mean by “your plans”? Mom are you leaving me out to dry? Mom, I don’t know how to be a mom. Mom, I never changed a diaper before. Mom, how do I burp “it”? Mom…