May 20, 2016
“It’s a boy!”
Well it was no more Rylee for me. I had gotten attached to that name and the idea of having a baby girl. However, my child’s father and I had agreed that if the baby truly turned out to be male then he had full authority over the name. I’ll tell you one thing, my mom was not too keen on that idea but she didn’t interfere with our parental decision. When I told her that the baby would also have my child’s father last name, she had a few choice words to share but nonetheless left it alone. In that moment, I didn’t understand why she wasn’t lecturing and drilling me as she always does when she thinks I’m making a decision I will later regret. I later learned that sometimes it is best to let life teach others those hard lessons. We as humans sometimes mute the one person that is giving us the real truth because it is something we just don’t want to believe. In those instances, life becomes the best teacher.
“What I tell you?I already knew! Ayeeee little Santana, Dipset. I gotta call Greg… He’s gon be as fresh as me, watch.”
Like a maniac, my child’s father was literally jumping all over the place in the doctor’s office with the goofiest grin on his face. He rambled on and on to the doctor, my mom, and myself but I expected nothing less. His “in-your-face” energy, constant silliness, lack for what others thought about him, and complete disregard for obeying social norms such as being quiet in libraries and doctors’ offices is what made him my high school sweetheart. He followed the beat of his own drum – something I was always so scared to do for fear of not being accepted. Whether it was randomly suggesting to go ride skateboards on a warm day or encouraging me to learn how to drive a car by just doing it, his spontaneous ideas helped me overcome being so uptight. He brought out the inner girl in me that yearned to live in the moment instead of always planning, studying, and thinking about life.
Never in a million years did I think we would get to this point. To be sitting here with my mom and him together was an act of God himself. My mom had kept up her silence for a long time before accepting the fact that I, her baby girl, was pregnant. It took her having a vivid dream for her to finally come around. I won’t tell you about the dream. If you ever see her, feel free to ask her about and she will be more than happy to share. However, to this day I still believe that dream was a vision from God and not some lucky coincidence. It was God telling her that one day this baby would become her pride and joy. My child’s father had a completely different case. In fact, he never voluntarily told his mom. She so happened to read a text conversation between us two and found out the news that way – talk about the phrase, “if you go looking for something you will surely find it.”
Yet and still, the cat was out the bag now. The news had spread like wildfire amongst both the students and teachers at Concord High School. Teachers that once bragged about how promising my future was now side eyed me and looked at me with disdain. Friends started to wither away like the dying leaves in the fall, but how could I blame them? I could no longer do the things my circle of friends engaged in like go to the “lit parties” or walk around the mall until the movie at the mall’s movie theater started. It was awkward for them and it was even more awkward for me. I was in between being a child and being an expecting mom. In that gray area, I lost my sense of identity. The one thing that kept me going was knowing that I wasn’t in this situation alone – No, I had my child’s father.
Damn it. Where is he? I should’ve just told my mom to stay with me. Just relax, Meisha. Breathe. That’s your problem now! You’re always over-thinking a situation just like the other two times. You have to know that things pop up, but this time he gave you his word. Plus, he doesn’t have a car fool. It’s hard for him. How would you get around if it wasn’t for your mom, girl? He promised his mom would bring him today so don’t blow up his phone. Just wait. Anyway, you’re ten minutes” early. Now, who do you know that’s always on time?
“Hey, that’s me”
I stood there and mustered up the best smile I could. It was 15 minutes past my appointment time. I had prayed that he would at least show up during the doctor’s delay. Still, I kept hope. He had started missing appointments, but that’s only because he didn’t have a way. I figured his mom was probably having a hard time with the directions or maybe it was traffic. I proceeded to go back alone. Maybe the doctor could sense my hope fading or maybe it was the tears forming in the crevices of my eyes that prompted him to tell me that everything would be okay. I sat through the entire appointment alone. By the end, I just wanted to hurry home, run to my room, lock the door, and never come back out.
I felt like a statistic. I felt hopeless. I felt like none of my friends would understand my emotions at the moment. I felt as if my mom telling me “it’s going to be okay” wasn’t enough. I felt like I was being punished by God because of having sex before marriage and that I deserved it.
“Hey… You do know my appointment is over now, right?”
“Man I tried to make it. How did it…”
“What happened this time?”
“Meisha don’t do that. Some shit happened with one of my friends and we all got into a fight at AL Brown”
Fight? That's not even the type of person he is. I thought his mom was bringing him. I didn’t even have the decency of a phone call to say he wouldn’t be here. All of that hope for no reason. I got in my mom’s car and completely let it all out. I went from being the happiest girl in the world to one that just wanted to cry every day in a matter of months.
“Mama, I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough for this. I don’t want to go on like this. I hate my life right now. This baby deserves a good mom..a happy mom”
“You can and you will. You're already a good mom. Now, I’m not going to sugar coat a thing for you because I been there and done that. I tried my best to keep you from a life like mine. What you will do is stop crying and stressing my grandchild out. You will also continue to be a great mom and still achieve all you ever wanted to achieve in life including going to college. It’s going to hurt somedays but you have a life in you that will love you more than life itself. We are going to get through this…one day at a time...”