If you’re old enough to read this blog post, then you have probably dealt with it before – the growing pain of a heart break.
Even the players that claim that they would never “wife” a girl or the females that preach about being a “strong, independent woman” as if it were the Gospel itself have felt that sense of emptiness after a break up. Heck, if you ask me, sometimes a break up is what causes men to have those womanizer ways or women to have the “I can do bad all by myself” mentality but that’s tea for another post.
If you have yet to ever experience what it feels like to end a relationship with someone you saw some sort of future with, then this post may not resonate as much with you. That doesn’t mean stop reading. I can bet all the money in my bank account that you will go through it if you haven’t already. You may let this post be your potential guide. Keep in mind that these are only Mei’s thoughts. Life lessons may explain it better for you one day.
Before we get into ways of actually dealing with a heartbreak, I feel that I must address some of the reasons that make a break up tough to cope with. See, many of us have been in relationships with a partner that we knew we needed to get out of a long time ago. We often stay because even though our partner has flaws, we become infatuated with their potential. We overlook those red flags of reality because we have this idea that we may be able to stick it out with this person while they work on changing. Even when your friends point out instances of cheating or when your mom tells you “honey, he/she ain’t the one,” you continue to pursue because there is good that you see in that person. I’m not going to lie, you may even have genuine chemistry with that partner and have gone through unbelievable things together which built up a history. How could you let the familiar go for something unknown? Having self-respect is how you could do so. Fearing the unknown may keep you in a relationship that should have ended a long time ago. There are some things that you just don’t compromise in a relationship such as your worth. So when we talk about heartbreak, we have to understand that yes you do miss the good things about the other person, but that’s not the hardest part. Instead, the largest portions of the hurt come from being upset over how naïve you were to those signs, how much time you invested that we can’t get back, facing the world that will see your relationship failure and say “I told you so,” and how much personal freedom you gave up to make the unit (the relationship) work. The biggest key to getting over a heart break is shifting your focus. In other words, RESTORE YOURSELF.
1) Stay Busy: Please be aware that I am not telling you to join five different book clubs and get two more jobs when I suggest for you to stay busy. Instead, I am encouraging you to rediscover the things that you are passionate about and focus on them. Having ample time to sit around and just think is the worst for a break up. You may find yourself blowing up your ex’s hotline, stalking their social media, or beating yourself up. You do not need to dwell in that depression. If it is truly over, then it is time to shift the focus back to yourself. If you need to delete their contact or delete them from your social media for a while, then do so. That doesn’t have to be a permanent thing but sometimes you need to have that “out of sight, out of mind” mentality until you can get back to a good place.
2) Remind Yourself: Even if you do not like to write, I would encourage you to write out the reasons why the break up was needed. You need to have a visual reminder (piece of paper perhaps) that lists the cons of staying in the relationship. Read this paper over in times of weakness if you need to. If this is a true break up, having a reminder is crucial. It is so easy to succumb to emotions. You may find yourself not really missing the person, but rather missing the company of being with someone else. Those feelings of loneliness may attract you back to a person that you needed to let go. You may also find yourself dwelling on the good memories completely negating all of the bad ones. I’m not saying that there won’t be good and bad in any relationship because there absolutely will be. However, once you both get to the point of a true break up it may be time for serious space. Who knows, maybe you both will grow during that space apart and end up together again down the road. However, if you never acknowledge the things that need to be fixed and make decisions based off of only emotions then you will never be able to restore yourself let alone a relationship.
3) Love Yourself: Sometimes we can lose ourselves in a bad relationship. We completely lose our own self-identity because we become so focused on being a “team.” There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to have a successful relationship as long as you are dealing with a true team player. I still would encourage you to still keep a sense of yourself to a degree. However, in a bad relationship, you find yourself giving without receiving the same in return. What makes the break up bad in this situation is not that you’re losing your partner. What hurts is the fact that you lost yourself and your partner became your only source of validation. It is important to remind yourself of the things that you love about yourself! You need to remind yourself that you CAN be whole on your own. Understand that you are still valuable even if the person could not see it for themselves. Imagine going to Walmart and seeing an item on the shelf. You are not going to get to the checkout and pay whatever price you want for it. Instead, you will pay the price that was marked and if you don’t have enough then you will not be able to purchase the item. It is the same with you. You have to love yourself enough to place value on yourself. You have to let other potential partners know that “I love myself and this is the value I place on myself.” Either they will pay the price to have you or keep it moving. However, the first step in this process is to love yourself.
4)Talk to Someone Older: Do not get me wrong, it is okay to have a circle of friends your age. Sometimes they have already been through things that you are currently experiencing. Keep them around, but in addition it may prove helpful to seek out words of wisdom from older people. There is comfort to be found in speaking with someone that you know have had a large amount of experience. Older people are an invaluable source. Instead of learning a lesson too late or learning a lesson the hard way, try listening to someone that has “been there and done that.” Even if the damage has already been done, because older people have already been through similar things they may be able to offer you “non-textbook” ways on how to cope.
5) Let it Out: After a heartbreak, some people will tell you to “suck it up” and move on. They may sympathize with you when it is fresh but forget that you may still need that understanding friend two weeks out. I encourage you to let out those emotions, even if that means crying. Bottling it all up does not help you move past the situation. Think about it. If you have a cup full of watered down soda that you don’t like, then what would you do to get rid of it? Would you keep it in your cup?—absolutely not. If you want to get rid of it, you would empty the cup out COMPLETELY. You wouldn’t even want to leave the slightest bit of that soda in your cup because if you put a new drink in that cup you would taste bits of that old watered down soda. Are you following me? It is okay to grieve for a while. You need to be honest with your emotions and acknowledge the hurt. Once you have let out that hurt, don’t keep that person “in your cup” (even a little bit). I’m going to get real here for a second. This means that if you guys have broken up, stop allowing gifts from that person. Don’t allow those vulnerable days of having relations with that person. Cut off ties with that person until you have gotten them out of your system and you are strong enough to simply be friends. You cannot keeps bits of that person in your cup.
Now, you may take everything I just said and throw it out the window. That is your choice. I’m just a person that blogs my thoughts. What do I know? However, something I wrote must’ve resonated with you because you made it to the end of this post. Until next time with #simplymei….